yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
...so i touched it.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
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Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
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Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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