A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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