Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Randomize
