Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
