He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
