Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
