Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I don't deserve a penis
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
