im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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