I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
