i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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