This is not my ceiling
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Randomize
