TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
