the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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