On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
