She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
