I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
