I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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