I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I will pee on everything he values.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.