Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
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In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
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Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?