I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover