Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people