I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....