Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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