I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
