You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
