Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
i believe in u and ur pee
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
