Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
