I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You took a bar mat shot.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
