I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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