and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
