Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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