I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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