Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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