Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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