Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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