I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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