Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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