Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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