I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
