he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
