Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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