It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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