I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
