Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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