Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
