I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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