Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
