I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
