My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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