If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
