how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
