White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
