Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
