I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
