kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
