I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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