This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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