Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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