so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Randomize
