what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
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Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
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Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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