Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
