I think my fart just growled at me.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
