The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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