my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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