Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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