How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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