If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
