let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
