I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
